live and let live

It's been a long January / February over here. Thankfully it hasn't snowed or I think I might have just gone into a dark, deep sad state of mind. I'm not OK with snow; never have been and probably never will be. So having a very mild winter was just perfect. We've been in the rut of work / school / study or study / school / work. There's days that I felt I haven't had down time and been able to rest without closing my eyes and I'm back at square one for the day. There's also been days where I feel it's been a good solid week where I haven't really talked to Trevor, where we've just been in the mentality of "go! go! go!" So when those days of {let's be real} "I'm going to do nothing" comes around you better believe I'm full blown comfy and reluctant to move from one solid state of being. Where we'll eat bowls of cereal for our meals. This is a great time of our lives it's a good time in our lives, it's also stressful. I believe there are different types of stress for different stages of our life and right now we're both thinking can time just fast forward about 3 years? Don't get me wrong or as a "woe is my life" kind of person right now. This is my happy place, my safe place, my place to vent, my comfort zone, my little sanctuary to feel what I feel and write it down. I feel as if I am in a hamster wheel or entering a marathon that's running a track that won't stop. Like I've started at just a place that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing or how my legs will carry me to the finish line. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I honestly just need to hibernate and just not talk to anyone. It's in those moments that I humble myself and think "this is not you. You don't let petty things bother you". I muster up the strength to keep running, to keep pushing myself to stay positive and keep moving towards the goals I've set for myself and with Trevor. I think that sometimes people that are married as young as we are want to skip to the next phase in a blink of an eye. Because honestly, this part is stressful, you are just getting your feet on the ground as a married couple, trying not to drown in school, and to figure out how you will pay for a life that'll include little babes for the next 40 years. I mean holy cow, I look at it in a naive perspective sometimes and think that it'll all work out and not to stress the little things, but that simply is just not me. I am as real as it gets, I see black and white and sometimes the grey, and that is a stressful way to see things sometimes (just ask Trevor, he's calming me down about 90% of the time). But I realize that I've always had this frame of mind that I need to look at life in the aspect that its not all roses and that sometimes people are mean, and that I need to relax and not take things so personally, but you can't help it sometimes, it's what makes you you. I'm glad I'm that way because sometimes Trevor is on another planet and I need to drag him back to reality and sometimes I'm on that same planet imagining who knows what. It's what makes us work well together. 

Speaking of Trevor, this guy doesn't know what mean is. I think it's incomprehensible to him. The definition just doesn't flow through that guy's head. {he did tell me a sad thing he did to a baby egg when he was six and I think that action changed his course of action in life} He's got a kind heart and strong will to succeed. He's got looks to kill and a personality that will make you laugh. He's effortless and fresh. He's smart and hard-working. He's got an imagination I never had and he's got a helpless way about him {which makes us chime together perfectly}. We pick up where the other faulters. 

With that said, I feel that sometimes it's hard for people to grasp the idea that I am married at 20, that I'm completely clueless in my educational pursuits, and that I've accomplished this while fooling them for a 23 year old. I let this little statement get the best of me. It's left me completely speechless and questioning my worth as a person- that if what I'm doing really is the best thing I'm doing for my life because who knows "your husband could die at any random point in life and be ill prepared"- a real person has told me this. But honestly that's no way to live your life. So I follow T. Swift's mantra and shake it off. Because I can turn the other cheek and move on. So I do and I continue having people believe me for a 23 year old, and that's OK.  So what if I don't get my bachelors, I mean let's get real people. Pursuing education and knowledge can come in many aspects and I think that's what I might do. I can't tell you in what or how but I can tell you that I want to develop skills that will benefit me and my family, skills that I can use through out life,  I would love to hold a diploma that grants me a right of passage to an open door of opportunity. But I just don't see that door for me, I see other doors that lead to other doors of things that I can learn and grow in in my own way and feel just as accomplished. So that's what I'll do, it'll take a life time of dedication to develop whatever skills that interest me but I think it's a better suited route for me and Trevor. Also, that level of stress for both of us to get a degree would probably not do so well for our marriage, Trevor needs me as a wife and a cheerleader and so I will do exactly that. 

Live and let live.

I just needed to write this down so I wouldn't dwell on it any longer. This is my trail right now, among other things and I think the best thing for me is to just write it out and let it go.

Sorry for this boring blog post about my thoughts. I'll post something more exciting in the next few weeks {our 1 year is coming around corner!}